The Burglar in the Closet: Mystery Novel starring Bernie Rhodenbarr Master of the Picklock Hardcover – January 1, 1978 by Lawrence Block
 
"There it was, the automatic tickle of excitement that starts working the instant I let myself into somebody else's abode, the excitement that builds every time I lay hands on someone else's property and make it my own. I know this is all morally reprehensible and there are days when it bothers me. But there's no getting around it. My name is Bernie Rhodenbarr and I'm a thief and I love to steal. I just plain love it."

But it's no mere labor of love that sends Bernie to Crystal Sheldrake's Gramercy Park apartment. See, Crystal happens to be the ex-wife of Craig Sheldrake, the World's Greatest Dentist. During their wedded years Craig converted no end of untaxed dollars into jewelry, all of which remains in Crystal's hands. And if Craig's going to marry Jillian, the dental hygienist with the World's Tastiest Fingers, what could come in handier than a whole slew of untaxed dollars?

Enter Bernie. Purloin the precious pretties, peddle them to a convenient fence, divvy up the dollar. Then Craig and Jillian can take a shot at Happily Ever After while Bernie's on the pad for free root canal till the end of his days.

Things start out well enough. When Bernie lets himself in, Crystal's out and her jewels are at home. So he props open his Ultrasuede attaché case and begins stuffing it brimful of baubles, bangles and beads.

Crystal comes home, and the next thing Bernie knows he's hiding in the bedroom closet. LOCKED in the closet, to be precise.

By the time Bernie picks his way to freedom, Crystal's on ice. The ice in the attaché case is long gone. A couple of cops want to arrest him for murder, and another happily dishonest cop is willing to settle for a split of the jewels Bernie didn't steal. And there's a crazy artist and a nutty bartender and a lot of people who've had a little too much to drink. And Jillian's jumpy, and getting anywhere with Craig is like pulling teeth, and...

Oh, go on. Take it home and read it.
 
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